Ah, the minefield that is the female mind. A mystery to menfolk everywhere, I am here to try and give you a basic hand in deciphering the riddles that women can effortlessly create for the haphazard confusion of men. Hopefully, this handy guide should help you out on your next date.
She Says: ‘I have nothing to wear!’
She Means: Do not respond with the obvious. You both know that she owns copious amounts of clothes. You both know that at least half of them are clean and either hanging up or folded neatly away (or strewn across the floor dependant on her tidying style). However, what you do not comprehend is that she is looking for a particular outfit, maybe one she just saw in a magazine, almost entirely possibly that she doesn’t actually own. She is not only looking for the clothes, but also for the exact way in which those clothes were worn in that picture, along with the hairstyle and make-up. Probably the lighting, props and surroundings. Sometimes, she is not looking for an actual outfit, but the feeling that accompanies the wearing of the right outfit for the activity at hand. Basically, she is trying to create the vision she had of what she should look like, realising it is not going to happen because she only has ten minutes left before the taxi arrives and no styling team to give her a hand, and then wailing ‘I have nothing to wear!’ because for some reason, that makes more sense than trying to explain what the actual problem is. Ideally, offer to pick something for her. Then she can snort with derision, tell you exactly why that outfit would be wrong for the task at hand, pick a better alternative and wear it all day having replaced the feeling of confusion with one of smugness. Everyone wins.
She Says: ‘No chips for me please, I’m on a diet.’
She Means: First off, instantly tell her she looks gorgeous. Then depending on how hungry you are, either order a larger portion of chips or allocate about 5 or 6 chips as lost to you in your mind. Then you can allow her to sneak chips off your plate without getting annoyed at her insane notion that calories from a different plate don’t count. Another method here would be to cover the chips in a condiment you like and she does not, but that can occasionally backfire depending on how much she really wants those chips and whether or not she ordered an actual meal or just salad. Be wary.
She Says: ‘How do I look in this dress?’
She Means: The key here is tact and distraction. If yes, feel free to shower her with compliments, but be aware that she is unlikely to believe any of them. You could try a favourable comparison technique, whereby you tell her you didn’t like the dress on the model, until you saw it on her. If the answer would honestly be no however – I repeat; tact and distraction! First off, say it looks good. Then, before she can say anything (but she has started pulling that face) pick a detail about the dress and point out how it doesn’t do her figure/legs/colouring justice and you think she would look even better in a dress that highlighted her figure/legs/colouring – get my drift here?
What other lines do the ladies give you that get you all confused? Send them in in the comments or tweet me @freeandsingle and I’ll have a go at translating!